One day you’ll look back and you’ll find that it’s been far too long since you last talked to your friends, that you were always just too busy.

You’ll think back and see how you were overwhelmed with life and its troubles, always convincing yourself that one day you’ll surely find the time to talk to them, but sadly you’ll realize that that time never came.

You’ll realize that now, those whom you once held dear have became strangers to you. That you are simply…friends no more!

So before that happens, I suggest you stop blaming life for your negligence and start remembering those whom you have forgotten.

Remember them before you end up looking back with sorrow and regret as you mourn losing them to the tides of time.

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the words
Sometimes I feel like I’m not being heard
And then I fear I’m feeling nothing more

Sometimes I feel I don’t want this change
And think we all have to rearrange
And now I feel there’s no one losing more”

Epica – Tides of Time

  Dedicated to all my friends who have forgotten me...

Not a day goes by that I don’t look back on my life with despair, and not a day goes by that I’m not reminded of my failures.

Everybody always had so many expectations for me, the kind I never had for myself!

Every time I look into their eyes I see pity and sadness, always reminding me of how much I disappointed them, of how much I let them all down.

Everybody is convinced that it’s my fault, that somehow I chose to be this way, but they’d never understand, and how can they when all they do is judge me.

I look for the people around me and I see change every day, they move forward yet I’m stuck in the past, in the choices I made or the choices that were forced upon me.

No matter what I do I just can’t seem to be able to move on. They blame me for not having ambitions but they can’t understand that it’s not a choice; I simply have no ambitions nor had any to begin with. It’s just the way I am.

And why would I? When every time I look to the future I see it bleak, nothing to hope for, nothing to look forward to, living alone…dying alone.

I believe that some people are just not meant to succeed, some people are just not meant to be happy, and I also believe that I am one of those people.

“Feels like the weight of the world,
Like all my screaming has gone unheard.
And oh, I know you don’t believe in me.
Safe in the dark, how can you see?”

Evanescence – Weight of the World

-THE END-

(inspired by a dream)

Dedicated to F.B; Thanks for listening.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had these dark thoughts and feelings inside me, trying to get out; to take over, and I’ve always fought back.

It’s hard to describe this darkness; I can’t really label it as “evil” because it’s not. It’s something more primal; it’s something beyond good and evil.

Sometimes it feels just too overwhelming as it screams through my entire existence, but I’ve always fought it nonetheless, always fought it as hard as I could.

It’s never been an easy fight to begin with, but lately it’s been getting more and more difficult. Every time I fall down it gets harder to get back up.

I’m even starting to wonder why was/am fighting at the first place. Maybe it’s because it felt like the right thing to do or perhaps because I was hoping…but for what?

Perhaps I was hoping that if I fought long enough and hard enough that I might eventually be saved, or perhaps I was hoping that in the end my life will have a meaning, that all this pain I had to endure wasn’t for nothing, but for a purpose.

Then I realized that there’s no light at end of the tunnel, that there is no happy ending, that I can’t be saved, and that all this pain could just be the purpose itself.

It seems there’s simply no point in fighting anymore, who knows? Maybe I’ll find peace –for once in my life- as I embrace the darkness within.

“Darkness darkness be my pillow
Take my hand let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep

Darkness darkness hide my yearning
For the things that cannot be
Keep my mind from constant turning
Toward the things that cannot see”

Lisa Torban – Darkness Darkness

I’ve been thinking for quite some time now about what to do. I knew I had to move on but I just didn’t know how.

I’ve been filled with so much pain and despair that I could no longer think straight, if not at all.

Until one day things slowly started to make sense, the pain started to subside, and my mind started to clear.

So, I’ve decided that I should let bygones be bygones. I’ve decided to try and forget the past and go on with my life.

I doubt that I’ll ever feel for anyone the way I felt about her. That being said, I realize that dwelling on the past and comparing people or even emotions will achieve nothing, if not make things worse.

I’m not sure if I can go through it all again, all that pain, it could be just too much to bear.

Last time I barely survived –so to speak-, and even then I was far from being unscathed and I’m still trying to recover from that pain.

So, is it worth it? I honestly don’t know. It’s not a simple question since human emotions are never simple to begin with.

I just don’t know how many more wound can I bear, or how many more times I have to fall before I can finally get up on my feet…

I know that every risk has its rewards, and the rewards of this particular risk could possibly prove to be substantial, but the risk feels too huge -for me- that it feels more like a gamble. So, can you blame me for my reluctance?…

In any case, although I’m still not sure if it’s worth it or not but I already decided to move on and I WILL deal with whatever fate brings the only way I know how; one day a time.

“Be friendly but cautious, you’re gonna have to count your losses
Easily attracted, but dangerous to get distracted
I’m drawing circles don’t you know, protect the seed that wants to grow
To a garden, pardon my territory”

Morgan Page – Fight for You

It was late and I was already tired, not to mention I was getting sleepy, so I decided that I’d better call it a day.

I laid my head, my eyelids felt heavy and my body felt relaxed and I started to –gradually- fall asleep until I reached that state where I was neither awake nor asleep, that unique moment where you feel like you’re between the two realms, then I heard a sound coming from a distance… a voice.

The voice sounded a bit clearer; it was a child’s voice, a little girl. She was yelling “come out come out wherever you are”. A little girl playing hide and seek is no surprise but then I remembered what time it was; it was past midnight!

This time of year it gets pretty cold at night so the streets are usually empty especially with the absence of any decent lighting in the neighborhood.

I was too tired; I tried to stay awake but couldn’t even open my eyes. Then I heard it again coming from somewhere in those dark streets; “come out come out where you are”. She kept yelling every few minutes but no one would answer her. And –for some reason- every time I heard her I felt a shiver through my entire body.

Soon after, the yelling stopped and I could no longer hear that little girl, and the streets were to back to their bleak silence until I fell deep asleep.

I woke up this morning and remember everything that happened the night before, I know what I heard, it wasn’t a dream that’s for sure, and till now I still ask myself the same questions which I found no answer to as of yet; what kind of child would play hide and seek at that late hour, cold, and darkness? And more importantly; who was she playing with?!…

-THE END-
(true story)

It’s been a while since she said goodbye, and all this time I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’ve moved on, but the truth is that I’ve been lying to myself. I never moved on, I never forgot, and how can I ever do?

I tried, over and over again, and every single time I failed… miserably. All this time I been pretending that I forgot, that everything is fine, but the truth is that nothing’s been the same since that day.

It’s like I’m dying slowly from the inside out. Sadness and despair are feelings that found their way through my very soul, destroying me from within. I just can’t stand this pain, this agony; I’m gradually losing my mind.

Her words keep echoing over and over in my head when she asked me how I can be in love with her when I only knew her for such a short time, but what I didn’t have the courage to tell her that –as silly as it sounds- all it took was one moment, just one look… to fall in love with her.

I don’t hate her, never did and never will; it’s physically impossible for me. No matter what she did, and no matter what she said, she only succeeded in making me fall even deeper in love with her.

Everything now feels tasteless, if not pointless, as if it simply lost its meaning or purpose. Nothing seems to interest me anymore; it’s such a sad state of indifference.

People keep telling me that I should just move on and meet someone else, but how can I? Every girl I meet I compare to her, and all fail to even interest me the slightest. And how could they when none can even compare to her at the first place!

All I ever wanted is to be with her, I don’t care if it was meant to be or not, I just wanted to be with the one I love the most, is that too much to ask? I guess it is, since my prayers were unanswered.

I no longer know what do, I feel like I’m drowning  in the midst of all this feelings, oh how I feel lost without her…

Now I feel like I’m left alone in the middle of nowhere, all alone, left with nothing but my sorrowful yearning…

“What do I have to do to make you want me?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you love me?
But, if I can’t make you love me
Just tell me what do I have to do?
To forget about you… “

Stabbing Westward – What do I have to do?

I looked up only to see the sky bloodied from the dying sun

Dusk, what a grim yet beautiful scene

It made me wonder about my life, about why I was here

For as long as I can remember I was alone, all alone

Roaming through this lifeless desert with no real aim or purpose

Every day I had only one concern, how to survive another day

Often I crossed paths with some of the wilderness beasts

Yet we both continue on our ways, as if we had an unspoken agreement

I wonder if they knew something I don’t?

It makes me wonder if I’m a man pretending to be a beast, or a beast pretending to be a man

Always surrounded by silence, engulfed by darkness, and enshrouded in loneliness

It can be peaceful, helps a man think… about anything and everything

But even such peace can sometimes be maddening

Every day it feels like I’m losing a part of my soul to this desolation

The part that’s keeping me sane… the part keeping me human

I often ask myself if the people forsake me or was it the other way around?

I no longer know, and I’m not sure I even care… not anymore

Being alone for so long, you start to lose hope

I believed that I no longer can be saved… redeemed

But something changed… the moment I met her

It started out just like any other night, lifeless… pointless

Until I saw her standing there, all alone

A clear starless sky and a full moon… It gave her a certain aura

It was almost like the moon was shining just to light her path

She stood there staring at the moon and basking in its light

And all I could do is stare at her, I could neither move nor even talk

Were it mere seconds or hours did I stay like that? I couldn’t tell

She stood there –dressed in velvet black- with a grace fit for a queen, no less

I started wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me

Perhaps she’s just another figment of my imagination

After all, what would someone like her be doing in this lifeless place?

This is a no man’s land where only beasts –like me- roam

By then she noticed me –standing there- and kept looking into my eyes

I’ve met people before in these lands, but it was always the same

They’d flee the moment they see me, especially my eyes

Maybe they saw what the wilderness beasts saw in me… the beast within

But she was different; I didn’t see any fear in her eyes

Then she started walking –slowly- towards me

With such beauty, grace, and dignity

She couldn’t be anything less than a queen

She stopped walking as she was right in front of me while still looking into my eyes

I finally gathered my courage and asked her:

“My lady, what brings you to this lifeless place? Are you lost?”

She paused for second and with a gentle smile she replied:

“No… but you are.”

By that time I couldn’t say or do anything, I just stood there…

Then she said –as she reached her hand-:

“Don’t be afraid… take my hand.”

As you start walking down the stairs you hear the sound of footsteps behind you, sure steady footsteps. The sound keeps getting close yet every time you look back you see no one. Then you start to realize that the footsteps are trying to match your pace, moving when you move and stopping when you stop.

You start getting nervous and move faster (and so does the footsteps) until you finally exit the building, you turn around one last time in an attempt to see who was following you but yet again you find nothing other than the darkness if the passageway and the silence of the night, nobody and not even the sound of the footsteps.

You continue moving on and as you enter the side streets you notice how empty they are, it’s like the people are simply gone.

It’s not unusual for streets to be empty at this time of day but for some reason it feels too empty, almost like there’s something missing you start wondering what could it be.

You take a turn into a long alley, as you move you can barely see where you’re going as it’s lighted with only a few dim lights, and for that you feel grateful for a few dim lights are better than none!

Then the alley’s dim lights start playing tricks on your eyes…or are they?

Surrounded by such an eerie atmosphere and engulfed by the silence you notice the lights flicker from time to time, it’s as if the darkness is fighting them, trying to regain its reign over this lifeless alley.

You notice a faint shadow ahead of a grey cat sitting on top of a small pillar, you don’t think it’s really grey but then again all colors look grey at this light.

You pause as you near it, feeling a little nervous as you wonder why is looking at you like that, with an empty stare as if it sees right through you, as if you’re not even there.

You continue once more to move on deeper into the alley and the lights get even dimmer as you progress.

You notice yet another shadow the entrance of an abandoned building on the side, and wonder who does it belong to…or what?

Finally you exit the alley and feel relieved as you bask in the lights of the main street and the noise of the pedestrians.

You stop, turn around, and give the alley one last look as it stays there, lifeless and you feel it as if it’s trying to pull you back into the darkness, into the abyss itself. But you firmly move back, look away and continue with your journey in the lights and among the people and wonder about you saw and heard, if your mind was just playing tricks on your or was it by any chance all real? I guess you’ll never know.

It started off like any other day, I was walking home when I saw that guy pull a six shooter and aim it at the young lady standing on the opposite side of the street.  A minute passed in grim silence then all hell broke loose when people starting running and screaming like a herd of cattle, what a surprise!

When I looked I found the guy still aiming his gun at her and babbling something but I couldn’t make out because of all the screams.

For some reason a strange conversation started playing in my head between me and well, myself! Pretty messed-up, ain’t it? Ah well…

Me: I got a feeling this will end badly.
Myself: Oh really? Brilliant deduction, genius!

Me: I gotta do something.
Myself:  Let’s just stay out of this one.

Next thing I know I was standing between the young lady and that wacko and I heard a loud bang and felt like I was hit was a jackhammer.

Me: I think it’s too late.
Myself:  What were you thinking? Trying to be a hero?

Me: a hero? Not really, actually I think it was pretty stupid but, ah well…
Myself: *sighs*

I realize I got shot and I feel the warm blood flowing but for some reason I can’t feel any pain! Perhaps it’s due to the surge of adrenaline, but I knew that won’t last for long.

I looked at that guy with the rage of hell itself and he was shitless scared, not sure if he was scared of me or of the fact he just shot someone, either way I didn’t really care.

Myself: That adrenaline surge will fade soon and then it’ll be all over.
Me: Yeah, I know.

Myself: So, what’s the plan?
Me: I say lets kick his ass before we go *grins*

Myself: I like that plan *grins*
Me: I thought you would.

I started moving –slowly- towards him with a crazed grin on my face, and for some reason he didn’t move a muscle, he just froze there.

I closed my fist like I was trying to crush a stone, and with all the strength (and adrenaline) left in me I punched him the face, I could hear the sound of bones cracking, not sure whose though, but I’m pretty sure I re-arranged his facial bone structure! He fell back –hard- and didn’t get up, didn’t even move.

Myself: Damn, nice punch!
Me: Thanks.

Myself: I guess that’s it.
Me: I guess so.

Myself:  Any regrets?
Me: None.

Myself: Good.

Me: Well, I guess it’s a good day to die.
Myself: As good as any.

By then my body gave out and I fell to the ground, I guess I lost a lot of blood or something.  My vision started to get blurry but I could see that young lady kneeling right next to me. Now I could only see darkness on only hear silence and it surprisingly felt so peaceful, and the only I thing I could think of at the time is why is she crying?…

Me: Goodbye.
Myself: …